


Steamy Windows

by Betti Gefecht (bettigefecht)



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types
Genre: Autobiography, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-03
Updated: 2012-06-03
Packaged: 2017-11-06 16:56:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/421181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bettigefecht/pseuds/Betti%20Gefecht
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The day before Christmas. Two strangers on a bus. When they end up in that room the size of a shoebox, what are they seeking to get from each other? Friendship? Love? Sex?<br/>And will they find what they're looking for? </p><p>A lemoniciuos encounter in two countdowns.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Steamy Windows

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own the twilight-ish character names. I do however own the events that inspired this story.

 

 

**~ ZERO ~  
** _About Space And Time  
_ **(Bella)**

_**The windowpanes are fogged. Rivulets of condensed water are zigzagging down the steamed up surface, veining it. Leaving more and more glistening trails in the telltale milky veil that is his and my breath, his and my sweat, his and my heated moans and whispers accumulating on the glass.** _

_**Is this space really that small? I don't know... And how long have we been in this room? Two hours? Three? I've lost track of time. I've even lost the memory of how we got here. Maybe I've lost my mind...** _

.

.

.

**~ FOUR ~  
** _Idiot!  
_ **(Edward)**

"Is this seat taken?"

Fuck! I knew it was a bad idea as soon as the words left my mouth. I mean, really... in an almost empty bus, could I have said anything more stupid? The woman in the narrow double seat turned her head. Despite the fact that her eyes were hidden behind dark, blue-ish shades, it was as if they were staring a blistering hole right through me.

"There are enough other free seats in here," she stated the obvious.

Yeah, right. I felt the heat rise into my cheeks. One single sentence from me, and she seemed on edge already. Resisting the sudden urge to run away in embarrassment, I decided to retort with something likewise obvious.

"Well... actually, I wanted to talk to you."

My breath was becoming short, I sounded like a jerk. Fucking adrenaline... totally counter-productive! Over the thundering of my heart in my ears I barely understood her cold answer. If I could trust my lip-reading skills though, she just said one word.

"Why?"

Translation: Thanks, but no thanks. She wasn't interested. My embarrassment turned into something worse... I was hurt. The rejection really hurt. Yet I couldn't stop humiliating myself even further. I dropped myself onto a seat on the other side of the aisle, kitty-corner to hers, and stuttered an explanation.

"Because I don't see a woman as beautiful as you very often, and I just would like to get to know you, so..." I faltered; my knees were shaking. What the fuck was wrong with me?

"Thank you. But I don't think we're playing in the same league." The conspicuous shifting of her brows told me that she was squinting her eyes behind those shades. Her jaw remained set and there wasn't the slightest hint of a smile. She was serious.

And I was an idiot!

.

.

.

**~ ZERO ~  
** _About Kisses And Perfection  
_ **(Bella)**

_**God, he can kiss. I've never been kissed like this before. Maybe some people are just meant to be kissing each other, and some are not? If so, I think I found my perfect match. Our mouths and tongues meld naturally... there's no awkward bumping, no trying to find a way around each other's nose, no weird salivating, no emergency breaks due to lack of oxygen... I feel silly having all these thoughts but it is true, and I can't help it. I don't know how this is even possible, but he and I are taylor-made for each other to kiss.** _

_**And he must feel it too, because despite the fact that we both are naked and in bed together in a room the size of a shoebox, it is all he does for a long time – he holds me and he kisses me... kisses me... kisses me...** _

_**And my hands are in his hair, raking, roaming, stroking, tugging and telling him not to stop. My hands LOVE his hair. My thighs love his small hips. My shoulders love his strong arms. We cling to each other for dear life as we share this impossibly perfect, endless kiss...** _

.

.

.

**~ THREE ~  
** _What The Fuck?  
_ **(Edward)**

I mumbled an apology and turned away from her, pretending to watch the city's holiday lights flicker by. Yeah, Merry Christmas to me! Fuck my life...

It had taken me weeks to psych myself up for this, and now – maybe she was just beautiful from the outside but ugly on the inside? Then I should be glad to have noticed it at this early point, right? But her outside... Jesus!

Every night she had been there at the bus stop, putting her impressive exterior on display. Strutting up and down on those long legs to tease me (really, there should be a law against that swagger of hers). Raking a hand through her long brunette hair every now and then to make me wonder what it would feel like to touch it. Taking deliberately slow sips from her inevitable Starbucks cup, for no other purpose than to draw my attention to her lips...

At least that was the picture I had deluded myself into. I even had relished the idea that she always wore those dark shades just to ogle me in return with impunity. Until I had made a fool out of myself by actually trying to hit on her and she had successfully made me feel like shit. What a bitch!

But she was a damn gorgeous bitch. I found myself stealthily throwing quick glances at her. With her head leaning against the window, she unaffectedly napped through the bus ride. Or maybe she just pretended to nap? Fucking shades...

Even after that devastating rebuff, I just couldn't stop fantasizing about that woman. Damn, maybe I just needed to get laid? It had been months, for crying out loud. No wonder I was in a funk...

But no. That wasn't the reason. I couldn't put my finger on it, but there was just something about her. Something special. I couldn't stop wondering who she was, what she might do for a living, what it might sound like when she laughed... I wanted to make her laugh. I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to take her out and buy her pretty things. I tried to imagine what her lips would taste like. I wanted to kiss her, I wanted...

My train of thought came to an abrupt halt as the object of my unhealthy desires suddenly grabbed her bag and stood, turning towards me. I held my breath.  _Does she... she can't mean... oh shit, she can!_

When she sat down on the bench right in front of me, I straightened my shoulders, instinctively bracing myself for another low blow. But it didn't come. Well, not exactly anyway...

"You wanna know what you did wrong?" she asked without preamble.

_What the fuck?_

_._

_._

_._

**~ ZERO ~  
** _About Pleasure, Pain And Preferences  
_ **(Bella)**

_**He is a quiet lover.  
Not the moaning, groaning type. There's no dirty talking. There's almost no talking at all. Just one hardly audible, "Oh God..." as he pulls my panties down and off my legs. So he likes that I am bare down there? Good. I wonder what else does he like? This is exciting, and a little nerve-wracking too, being with a total stranger. Hells, what do I even like? I'm a stranger in this, too...** _

_**He is a very, very handsome guy.  
Even more so now that he's wearing nothing but his skin and his silence. Apparently he takes good care of his body. I knew before that he's easy on the eye, yet I am pleasantly surprised – it hasn't been that obvious with all those layers of winter clothing. He is lean, verging on skinny in some places, but his stomach is toned, his chest defined, and his slender limbs show just the right amount of sinew and muscles. He looks and feels amazing.** _

_**Maybe he just doesn't talk because his mouth is too busy. Busy lips and busy tongue. He likes to taste... open-mouthed kisses first, devouring my neck, my collarbones, my shoulders. It isn't long before I find my right wrist pinned to the mattress above my head and I feel the flat of his tongue repeatedly run along my shaved armpit. Oh my God...** _

_**He is a licker.  
I guess I should be weirded out, but I am taught a lesson about myself instead. As I turn my head and watch him lap up at my sweaty skin, my unbridled moan gives me away – it is a huge turn-on to feel and see him tasting... me. Our eyes meet and it's like he's asking and gaining my approval. The brief smile he gives me right before his mouth crashes on mine again is sexy as hell. Who knew?** _

_**For a moment I cannot breathe; I cannot think clearly when the next thing I feel is his lips closing around my nipple, busy lips and busy tongue. Licking and sucking, and it makes my breath hitch another notch. I whimper and grab his head, fisting, twisting – God, I love his hair – to spur him on. My hands say more more more, and yes... fuck yes, he is relentless, and there it is: pain.** _

_**This is against the rules, isn't it? I told him, no pain!** _

_**He is sucking (or biting?) in earnest now; it really hurts. And then again, not. I can't tell lips from tongue from teeth any more. Can't tell pleasure from pain either. My more-more-more hands keep holding his head down to my breasts while I'm feeling worshipped and abused all at the same time, and I arch my back in ecstasy. Pushing against his thigh between my shivering legs, I shamelessly rub myself on him. Who knew?** _

_**He is a giver.  
He is paying attention, listening to my body, reading my needs. One of his hands slides down to my ass, pulling me even closer, helping to increase the friction... and then I'm right there, and pleasure overrides pain in one furious burst of heat.** _

_**My sudden climax takes me by surprise; the build was so quick, and he hasn't even really touched me 'there'. I half hiss, half cry out a, "Fuck, yeah!" when the first shock ripples through me. He finally releases my aching nips, whispering, "Oh God..." again. He winds his arms around me and holds me tight, so tight it almost rips the breath from my lungs, and keeps me from falling apart as I ride out wave after wave of my orgasm.** _

_**Who knew.** _

.

.

.

**~ TWO ~  
** _Shit, Shit, Shit!  
_ **(Edward)**

I was so stunned by her talking to me, I answered yes without thinking. I just wanted to keep her going, whatever it was she was going to say. And although I had pretty much figured out all by myself how and why I had fucked up, I would have let her berate me all day, as long as she kept on talking to me. So I listened to her lecture about  _'first impression'_  and  _'narrow bus seats'_  and _'invasion of peoples' personal spaces'_ , feeling like a fucking 15-year-old who was about to come in his pants just because his secret girl crush had finally and unexpectedly noticed his existence.

Until I heard her say, "...you know, because if you hadn't messed up like that, you might have scored a fuck today. So next time you approach a girl, you might want to think beforehand..."

_Wait... WHAT?_

Ok – now I felt like a full-grown man about to come in his pants. Did she really just say that?

_Shit!_

Embarrassingly, I gasped loudly as if I'd just received a punch in the guts before I managed to splutter, "That was not the reason why I... I didn't... that was  _not_  the reason, ok?"

Well, not the only reason at least. Gladly, I sounded scandalized enough to be halfway convincing, although certain body parts in my lower regions were definitely convinced that the possibility of 'scoring a fuck' with this...  _goddess_  would totally have been reason enough.

She raised her brows in surprise. "It wasn't the reason?"

"No."

"Then why did you?"

"Did what?"

I more sensed than saw her rolling her eyes behind her shades. "Approach me?"

Oh, right. Why was I feeling like a silly little boy again?

"If you weren't looking for a fuck...?"

Jesus, did she have to say  _that word_  all the time? Apparently she had no idea what she was doing to me. I wasn't that ineloquent usually; there had to be something wrong with the blood supply to my brain. Before I could even think of a good answer, she started firing more questions at me.

"What do you want then? Distraction? Are you just bored? I don't think so..."

"No, it's really not -"

"Just checking if you have it down pat? Testing your sex appeal?"

"Testing my wha...?"

"Are you lonely? Getting sentimental with Christmas coming on and all that jazz? Holiday anxiety?"

"No!"

God, was I that pathetic? I mean, I  _was_  alone. But not lonely-alone, you know; I just had been sort of on my own since Tanya left me. That was... oh my gosh, almost two years ago? I realized that I hadn't talked, I mean  _really_  talked, to anyone since then, except for the occasional phone convo with my brother Emmett. Was I lonely? Shit!

"So..." she started again, "you're looking for a friend?"

The term 'friend' in connection with this gorgeous woman in front of me had a slightly sour note to it, and I wanted to object. But I didn't know how to without bringing this conversation to a sudden end. I didn't want to scare her away. Instead I reluctantly admitted, "Yeah... maybe I could use a friend?" And though it almost sounded like a question, there was a truth ringing with my words that took me by surprise.

"Ok," she said.

_Ok?_

With a smile – the first smile since we'd started talking - she added, "I can be your friend."

"Oh..." I breathed, bewildered. I had never met anyone like this woman, anyone  _that_  straightforward. Was she even serious?

"I think that would be really nice," I offered warily.

She stretched out her hand for me to shake it, "My name is Bella. And I'm not always this grumpy. Sorry for being such a bitch at first, I'm just kinda allergic to personal space invasions. Most women are, by the way."

"I'll try to remember that," I said as I took her hand in mine; she didn't seem to mind that I might have held it a little longer than necessary. "And I'm Edward."

"Nice to meet you, Edward."

There was a moment of silence while we just stared at each other, and I was wracking my brain... what to say? What to do? What's fucking next? I was still fighting that uncalled-for teenage shyness I felt in her presence, when she took a deep breath and purred, "What if  _I_ am looking for a fuck, Edward? Would you turn me down?"

Another loud gasp escaped me – I was  _this_  close to a full blown coughing fit. Jesus, this woman! 'straightforward' didn't even cover it... shit!

_Shit, shit, shit!_

_._

_._

_._

**~ ZERO ~  
** _About Rocking And Rolling  
_ **(Bella)**

_**I'm slowly coming down from another high, barely able to catch my breath. I have lost count of how many times he's made me come, with his mouth... with his fingers... with his mouth AND his fingers... unerringly finding all my sweet spots and working them as if I was an instrument he knows how to play by heart. I feel deliciously exhausted, pleasured, pleased.** _

_**And I didn't reciprocate once yet. It's not that I don't want to, not that I didn't try; I just somehow didn't manage to get my hands on him. Anywhere below his waist, that is. Just coincidence? I don't know, and he doesn't seem to care. But I feel like it is about time to turn the table, and Jesus... I need a break anyway.** _

_**Again he somehow senses my need, so perceptive. His fingers retreat from the throbbing, dripping, burning heat between my thighs, and then everything slows down... the breathing grows less labored, the grinding less frenzied, the clinging less desperate. Our bodies are slick with sweat, and when he pulls away to rest on his elbows, the smacking little noise as he lifts his chest off of mine makes me chuckle quietly. I'm still trapped between his arms and underneath him, and I squirm a little in a futile attempt to make him roll onto his side.** _

" _ **What?" he breathes against my neck, "What do you need?"**_

_**For the first time, the physical 'wireless' between us doesn't work. I don't think my message could have been any clearer if I had vocalized it, but he doesn't move an inch. In my constant state of utter bliss I haven't noticed it right away, but now I get a feeling that he's deliberately avoiding my touch. Not going to have that!** _

" _ **You... just... won't... roll... over... dammit!" I whisper-scream in mock exasperation, punctuating each word with weak punches against his chest.**_

_**With noticeable reluctance, he gives in. He's on his back now, and I'm in charge. Yes! I don't waste time; I scoot down on him, leaving a trail of kisses on his stomach... God, how I want to touch him, feel him, taste him. I have barely touched the tip of his gorgeous cock with my tongue, as he stills under me and holds his breath, and I know it's not out of pleasure. Something is wrong...** _

" _ **Please," I hear him say, "I can't... I don't like this."**_

_**I freeze. A man turning down a blow job? Well, that's a new one!** _

_**"Shhh... it's ok," I assure him, though it's definitely not. I feel rejected; it stings. But I swallow my pride, because I heard something in his voice...** _

_**I straighten myself and straddle his hips to look into his face. I want to ask what this is all about, but I am rendered speechless at the sight of him. Is this the man I followed home? It is as if all the little lines in his face have smoothed out in the last few hours; it's the face of an angel. Does he have any idea how beautiful he is right now? He looks incredibly young for a moment, and I have to blink a few times to make sure it's not just a trick of my brain. No, he is positively glowing, smiling up at me as if he's seeing a similar miracle.** _

_**And maybe he is, because he whispers, "You rock my world, you know that?"** _

_**I smile back at him and shake my head, "I'm not sure about that, but thank you. I would have loved to take you into my mouth, you know. What is it? Why-"** _

" _ **It's complicated," he cuts in, the brilliance of his smile slowly fading.**_

_**I watch as he licks his lips and draws his bottom lip through his teeth. He swallows once, then the smile is gone. My glance becomes riveted to his eyes.** _

_**They are like steamy windows.** _

.

.

.

**~ ONE ~  
** _Don't Fuck This Up, Dude!  
_ **(Edward)**

She had to be joking, right? I laughed out loud and said that if she was looking for sex, then I'd be glad to help her out. But when the bus stopped at my station, with its air brakes moaning indignantly as if they overheard our conversation, I learned that my sudden friend wasn't asking rethorical questions. She had a potty mouth, that's for sure, but she wasn't playing. She wasn't messing around with me. When Bella said or asked something, she meant business.

When I moved to stand, she got off her seat as well, and said: "Your place, ok?"

"Ok." I swallowed hard. My mouth was dry as desert sand. This couldn't be real; I had to be dreaming...

But I wasn't. There we were, walking side by side on the way to 'Casa Edward'. I glanced at her from the corner of my eye. In spite of the freezing December air, she wore a short leather jacket that ended right at the waistband of her tight jeans. The almost illegal sway of her hips was even hotter to watch from this close angle, if that was possible, and I had a little trouble breathing evenly.

"Why are you doing this?" I asked after a few minutes of silence. "Why me?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. I could ask you the same, right? It doesn't happen very often, maybe once every few years, but sometimes I see certain things in people that appeal to me. I can't explain it, but there is something about you." She looked up at me and smiled. "What is your excuse?"

I snorted. "Well, I guess... you just totally stole my line. I am lame, huh?"

She looked down on her shoes again and shook her head, still smiling. "Not at all," she said, "though maybe you should know that I have a history with stray dogs. I just can't walk by and disregard them."

"Oh, thank you very much," I replied acidly. That shit really stung. What was I to her, a Christmas charity project? But before I got too broody, she playfully punched my side.

"Lighten up, Edward. I'm just kidding," she giggled. "Oversensitive, are we?"

"Yeah... maybe," I muttered, relieved that she didn't do this just out of sympathy.

It wasn't until we crossed the threshold of my apartment that the reality of what was happening actually sank in. She was here! With me! I had taken her home with me...  _Oh. My. God!_

I admired her back and yes, her round cheeks and endless legs in those jeans too, as she meandered through my place, casually looking around. There was just a bedroom and a small kitchen, so it was a very quick inspection. When she turned around to face me, I got really, really nervous. I was just about to offer her something to drink, when she suddenly spoke and scared the shit out of me.

"There are rules," she said.

What the...? Rules? What was she talking about?  _Fucking rules?  
_ As in, sex rules? I-will-tie-you-to-the-bedposts-and-stab-you-with-an-ice-crusher rules?  
Or I-will-pretend-to-be-a-vampire-and-you-will-let-me-suck-your-blood-roleplay rules?  
Or...

"Number one," she started to elaborate, "I don't do weird stuff, ok? No bondage, no spanking, no pain. Especially no pain."

 _Oh, thank fuck!_ "Of course not. That's ok." I nodded frantically.

"Number two, condom. Or it won't happen."

My heart sank. Damn, I hadn't expected this, for crying out loud. "Well, this is actually problem number one," I admitted with an awkward shrug.

"No, it isn't," she replied firmly, patting her purse.

"Oh... ok."  _Wow._

"Number three is the last and the hardest rule," she continued, unblinking. "I will do this just once. After tonight we will be just friends or nothing at all. No replay. That means, if you're down with that, then you won't need to ride the bus alone from now on. But if you try to cross that line, we'll never see each other again. I won't even send you a Christmas card. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

If I had thought I was scared before, then I was close to panic right now. That rule number three was a killer condition. I didn't even wonder what this was about or why she wanted it that way. All I caught was 'nothing at all' and 'never see each other again'. And although I knew her for barely an hour, I couldn't bear the thought of losing her.

"Listen," I croaked. "I would never... no, wait... let me start again."

She tilted her head to one side, patiently waiting for my answer.

"Besides, even if you would send a card right now," I continued, laughing nervously, "it wouldn't work, because Christmas is tomorrow, and the mail would never make it in time. God, I am rambling... sorry." I closed my eyes and took a deep breath to collect my thoughts.

_Don't fuck this up, dude!_

"Bella, I lied to you, sort of. You are a stunningly beautiful woman, and I have lost count of how many times I have imagined...  _this_. Trust me, I do want to be with you like this, badly. But it wasn't a lie when I said that's not the reason why I approached you. Because really... if this is about choosing between sex or friendship, then I'd rather we keep our clothes on."

I couldn't believe I had just said that. But it was true. Whatever it was about her – and however my dick begged to differ in this matter – I craved her friendship more than anything.

"Does that mean you agree to my rules?" she asked, her eyes piercing into mine.

"Yes." I was one step away from heaven.

She opened her arms and whispered, "Then come here."

_Where else am I going to go...?_

I took that step in a heartbeat and crashed my mouth on hers.

Heaven!

_._

_._

_._

**~ ZERO ~  
** _About Scars And Scares  
_ **(Bella)**

_**I feel the shifting in my view before I can do anything about it. I wasn't planning on looking at him that way. I wasn't planning on stealing answers like that. I didn't even expect me to have any questions. But it's too late now. Damn, I hate it when this happens!** _

_**My hands rest on his chest and I can feel the slow rise and fall of his breathing. In. Out. In. Out. I start counting without thinking about it. It won't be long now; I can feel it. It's been awhile since I have used my... this gift. Or curse. Or whatever you prefer to call it. Oh yes, here we go...** _

_**Everything in my field of visions turns into a blazingly white mist, and the only thing left in the center of it are his steamy window eyes. When he inhales for the seventh time, the first layer of milky veils is lifted from my view and I see them.** _

_**Scars.** _

_**Lots of them.** _

_**Meandering silvery lines, like those rivulets on the windowpanes.** _

_**A wounded soul.** _

.

.

.

**~ ZERO ~  
** _For All That Is Worth...  
_ **(Edward)**

"It's complicated."

I know it is a poor answer, but I can't do any better now. I don't want to talk about Tanya or about... I just won't go there.

I wish I had the words instead to tell her what it means to me to be with her right now. To just hold her and to be held. How she responded to every touch of mine. How she wound her arms and legs around me to hug me back with everything she had as if she just knew how much I needed that. God, she is more beautiful than I imagined, inside and out.

And now she is looking down on me with those hooded eyes as if she's seeing right to the core of my soul. This is uncomfortable, almost scary – no, scratch that – it  _is_  scary! Did I offend her by my refusal to let her touch me like she wanted to?

"Never mind, Bella. Maybe next time, ok?" The words are out before I know it, and they seem to kick her out of her... trance... whatever.

"There won't be a next time," she says, "I don't do relationships."

"Yeah, just this once. I know what you said. It's all right." I hurry to assure her. Though it is not all right. I don't want this to be a one-night-stand. Fuck, I don't want this to end. But she is the one calling the shots; I'm too scared to fuck this up, too scared of losing her. I can do that... friends, commute buddies, whatever she wants, if only she doesn't walk out on me. Whatever she wants...

And now she wants us to go all the way. Her hands that have been resting on my chest start moving again, wandering down my stomach and to my hips in slow circles. From who-knows-where she produces a condom, and I groan quietly as she turns around and I feel her rolling it down on me. She lets herself fall to the side and rolls onto her back, pulling me on top of her. My erection briefly skims her wetness and her breath hitches. Yes, she wants this. And I so want to give it to her. I really do.

I squeeze my eyes shut and as I reach down between us, I try not to think about Tanya. I try to not think about the way she had used sex as a means to manipulate, the way she had turned it into something that drove us further apart instead of bringing us closer to each other, the way she had used it as a weapon against me, until there was no loving any more, just fucking.

I fight the onset of self-disgust and try not to think about any of it, as I reach down between Bella's legs and position myself at her entrance. I want to give her what she wants.

But for all that is worth, I'm not going to fuck her! If I still know how to do it, I want to make love to her...

.

.

.

**~ ZERO ~  
** _About Giving And Taking  
_ **(Bella)**

_**I don't know what he had been going through, but I can see it must have been bad. All those scars... they're not deep, but there are so many of them, close to each other, crossing each other. Some are old.** _ _**S** _ _**ome have just recently healed.** _

_**Someone broke his heart, repeatedly. There was no single devastating crash; his heart is cracked in several places, as if someone had been striking at it again and again over a long period of time.** _

_**But he is not broken; he is strong. And loving. Underneath it all, he is amazing. He just doesn't know. In the short time we've had together, he has given me so much. He has made me feel sexy and wanted, he has worshipped and pleasured my body in ways I didn't know were possible. And even now as I feel the tip of his cock where I want it the most, I know he still wants this to be about me.** _

_**His eyes are closed under furrowed brows as he thrusts his hips. He enters me in one swift move and pulls all the way out immediately before I even have time to really feel him. He pushes forward again and misses; his cock slips between my butt cheeks.** _

_**His eyes fly open and he groans in frustration, "God, I'm sorry... I can't..."** _

_**Such a giver.** _

_**Time for a lesson in receiving.** _

.

.

.

**~ ZERO ~  
** _It's Not Over Yet  
_ **(Edward)**

Damn, that hurt!

I flinch and groan, as I pull back, "God, I'm sorry... I can't..."

I messed this up. I tried and I messed this up. This is embarrassing. She cups my face to make me look at her, but I can't. She's got to be disappointed. I failed her miserably.

"Edward, baby, did you hurt yourself?"

I shake my head no, not able to look into her eyes.

_Maybe I'm just too damaged. Maybe fucking is all I can do. Maybe -_

"Hey," she softly interrupts my inner pity party, "it's ok. Don't think. Just feel!"

_What?_

"Try again, please? Just... go slow first, ok? Take your time; you can pick up pace later..."

It's not over yet; she still wants me. My eyes find hers, and the way she looks at me... oh boy, she means it. "Ok," I nod, a little breathlessly, "ok."

I reach down once again, and when I grab my cock I suddenly feel her hand around mine, guiding me. The tip slides into her warmth, and I hold my breath at the sensation. My left arm starts to shake with the effort of holding myself up, and with the tension of holding back. But God... the feeling is incredible, easing into her further, inch by inch.

'Slowly...' she mouths, and then she pulls our hands from between us, and when our hips meet and I'm all buried inside her, she wraps her arms and legs around me, holding me tight, holding me in place.

"I've got you," she whispers between pants. "Don't move. Just feel."

And then she kisses me.

_Oh God..._

When she breaks the kiss and tells me to move, I just let go. All of a sudden my body remembers what it is like to make love to a woman. I just let go, and it's divine. This is it. Goddess and God. Giving and taking.

I watch in awe as her head lolls back and her eyes fall shut. And then she moans, "Fuck yeah...!"

Yes, she has a potty mouth, but it's the sweetest thing, because I'm doing this to her.

Right now I couldn't care less about tomorrow, because right now I am making love to Bella.

Beautiful love. Beautiful Bella.

Fuck yeah…

Merry Christmas to me!


	2. Pain Killer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The following little piece was mostly (and selfishly) written for therapeutical purposes, so it's probably even more personally-colored than the previous chapter. You've been warned.
> 
> But it's a lemon, after all. ;-)

 

**~ ZERO ~  
** … _Rain, Rain…  
_ **(Bella)**

_**The window-panes are coated with water; the pattering of the rain against the glass is so loud it almost drowns out the sound of our heavy breathing. Almost.** _

_**I never thought I'd do this again. But here I am... and this time I give up control, give up the rules, give myself over to him. I never thought it would come to this, but it's almost as if I have no choice.** _

_**Almost...** _

.

.

**~ FOUR ~  
** _Small Doses  
_ **(Edward)**

That day in December when I finally had grown a pair and approached Bella had not only been one of the best days in my life, I think it is safe to call it life-altering. I had received so much more than I had allowed myself to dream of, in every sense, and it had changed me forever – even though I didn't notice right away. I fell in love that day, irrevocably and unconditionally. And I didn't notice _that_  right away either...

Realization came in small doses. Bella and I became friends, and true to her word she kept me company on the bus every night. And true to her word she also kept things strictly platonic. I won't lie – not being able to touch her was incredibly hard; it drove me fucking crazy. But the bus ride home still had become the best part of my day, and I couldn't wait for it. I couldn't wait for my daily dose of Bella.

.

.

 **~ ZERO ~  
** … _Go Away…  
_ **(Bella)**

_**We have settled on the carpet, but I don't really remember when or how. I'm not quite myself on days like this, not quite conscious. Maybe it's the constant physical torture I'm subjected to, or maybe it's the drugs that are supposed to take the pain away but do such a miserable job. I seem to miss things, as if my mind is taking ultra-short timeouts, like falling in and out of micro-sleep every now and then.** _

_**One moment I was on his couch, and the next moment he is sitting on the floor, cross-legged, and I am on his lap. I curl up into a ball and he pulls me against his chest, His arms around me are solid, strong, comforting. His touch is like a cool, moist cloth on a burn. It doesn't really take away the pain, but still… it's a kind of instant relief. My fucked-up nerve endings respond to his touch; his skin on mine seems to take away the edge. I don't know how it works, but it's better... so much better; I'm almost back to coherent thinking again.** _

_**I raise my head and look into his eyes. They are a darker shade of green than usual. The adoration I used to see in them is tainted with a dash of despair. I know he feels helpless, faced with my miserable condition.** _

" _ **Please," I hear myself whisper. I don't really know what I'm doing; there's no plan, no exact idea. But I grab his wrist…**_

" _ **Anything!" he says all too eagerly. "What can I do?"**_

… _ **and pull his hand off of my face and down…**_

" _ **Please make me feel good, Edward."**_

… _ **down between my thighs.**_

_**Please make it go away!** _

_**He gasps.** _

.

.

**~ THREE ~  
** _Side Effect  
_ **(Edward)**

Even though we had started with a bang (no pun intended!), the way our friendship developed after that was slow and quiet. Well, Bella was the one taking things slowly – the quiet part was mostly mine. I still had trouble talking in her presence, every so often rendered speechless by her bluntness. I just never had met someone speaking their mind that freely. Most of the time I was just staring at her, stunned by her beauty and by the fact that she really was here, spending time with me, talking to me. And almost every night at home I wanted to slap myself in the face, because of all the smart retorts that used to come to my mind  _after_  we had parted, all the witty things I could have said but just didn't, until it was too late.

But I fucking loved listening to her, watching her eyes light up, hearing her laugh... finally seeing and hearing her laugh was addictive. She was beautiful, affectionate, funny, passionate and full of life when she was talking. And as a pleasant side effect of my newly acquired inarticulateness, Bella usually talked enough for the both of us.

Usually.

But not today.

When I saw her crouching on that wooden bench under the bus shelter, I knew immediately that this was  _one of those days_  she had told me about a while ago...

It was so easy to forget about her condition, because it was impossible to believe that someone so strong and buoyant could be seriously ill. I didn't really grasp it. But I remember it was something about diabetes-related nerve damage or something, a chronic disorder that made her nerve endings send and receive messed-up messages resulting in constant pain. The mere thought was kind of surreal. The way she looked and moved, I never really could wrap my head around the idea that she was  _suffering_.

She had looked in the pink, like always, when had she told me about her shockingly long list of chronic diseases. "Never mind," she had waved me off, "it's not that bad; I'm used to it." Smiling and making light of it, even when she so casually mentioned  _those days…_ dayswhen the pain got so bad she wanted to die _._

And then she had shrugged and said, "Yeah, that's that. Topic change?"

And without a second thought I had smiled at her and answered, "Yes, please." Because I couldn't deal with the hypothetical, or with the idea of  _those days_.

But here we were. One look at her and I knew it. She raised her head as she noticed me, and though her lips curled into a weak smile, her eyes that used to be so bright and alive were the eyes of a wounded animal.

"Bella, what...?" I started.

She cut me off, her face contorting with pain. "I'm afraid I'm not very entertaining today. Sorry."

I had never felt so sad in my life. Or so useless.

.

.

 **~ ZERO ~  
** … _Come Again …  
_ **(Bella)**

_**His eyes pierce into mine as if searching for assurance, as if he doubts that I even know what I'm asking. I get angry for a second. Sure being in pain makes it hard to think, and these opiates I'm taking aren't helping the cause either, but I'm not out of my mind!** _

_**However, my anger subsides quickly; I know he's just being cautious. I probably look a mess, and he doesn't want to take advantage of me.** _

" _ **Don't think, just feel." I repeat those words I said to him before, back then. Or did I just think those words? I don't know... but it doesn't matter anyway; he nods. He understands. I feel his hand move under mine between my legs and let go of his fingers to give them free rein.**_

" _ **May I kiss you, Bella?"**_

" _ **You have to."**_

_**Holding me in one arm, he bends down to press his mouth on mine. I part my lips for him, our tongues meet and I feel the heel of his hand press against me where I want it through the fabric of my jeans. Yes. More.** _

_**I moan into his mouth because I know it will turn him on. I know it will make him lose his reservations and go faster. And that's what I want. More. Faster.** _

_**I am rewarded with an instant reaction. His breathing speeds up and his hold on me tightens as our kissing grows hungrier, frantic. His free hand runs down between my thighs to squeeze my behind, and then up again. Back down. And up. Yes. More.** _

_**Our tongues are dancing, remembering each other as if it was just yesterday we'd kissed the last time, licking, sucking, tasting. Yes. Our lips and tongues remember, and my brain catches up eventually... we were so good together the last time. Such a good kisser.** _

_**I feel his fingers at the fly of my jeans. Yes. When the button pops open, I reach down to help him with the zipper. Faster. I moan my approval; the sound breaking from my chest is almost a grunt. More.** _

_**Keep going.** _

_**Make me feel good.** _

_**Do it.** _

.

.

**~ TWO ~  
** _Indication  
_ **(Edward)**

"Mind if we don't talk today?" she asked as the bus pulled out, "I'm just really tired." And with that, her head sank against my shoulder.

Oh God... she was touching me! Well, not really touching, but leaning against me after all, and I couldn't help the bolt of excitement that rushed through me. It had been weeks since we... I mean, we had not even shared a hug or anything since that day in December, and the feeling of her warm body so close to me was just...

Goddammit... instant stiffy, ok? I wasn't proud of it!

But when I looked down on Bella's tense form and the way her hands gripped each other so tightly on her lap, all white knuckles and twisted fingers, I felt my dick deflate in no time. Without much thinking, I moved my arm so it came to lay on the backrest behind her and, barely touching her shoulder with my fingertips, gently pulled her further to me.

I was elated when she didn't bristle in the slightest, even though I knew it wasn't for romantic reasons. She was hurting, and she was tired. I reached over with my free arm and cupped both her small hands in mine, if only to keep those delicate digits from breaking themselves with all the wringing and twisting. Much to my surprise, they soon relaxed under my palm. This was good, right?

Right?

"It's ok, I've got you," I brainlessly said the first thing that came to my mind. Bella exhaled a shuddering breath and all the tension seemed to leave her along with it. I was relieved I could do this for her – that I could do  _something –_ and that she let me.

We stayed like that during the entire bus ride. She didn't move, and I just held her. I couldn't really pretend to be oblivious of her silent tears; from time to time she sniffled, and after a while my shirt was soaked where her face was nestled against my shoulder. But for some reason just letting those tears drip down seemed the right thing to do. When we'd almost reached my bus stop and I was just starting to debate whether she would want me to see her home or not, Bella finally spoke.

"You're a pain killer, sort of, you know that?"

"I am?" I asked, immediately feeling ridiculous about the spark of pride that lit up inside of me at her remark. An almost contented sigh from her was all I got for an answer. And though the reason she appreciated my touch apparently was more of a medical indication, that strange sense of pride lingered. Guess I could be a bit of her knight in shining armor after all and make sure she'd arrive at the doorstep of her home safe and sound.

"Bella, I –"

"Take me home with you, Edward."

_What?_

She straightened up and looked at me with red-rimmed eyes, wiping her nose with the back of her hand. "I know I am breaking my own rules right now but... please?"

_Oh God!_

I tried to swallow, but my mouth was suddenly too dry. She didn't just  _beg_  me to take her home with me, now did she?

_Fuck!_

"…you sure?" I could all but rasp.

She closed her eyes, nodded her head yes and gripped my shirt right where my heart was trying to jump out of my chest. "Just take me with you. And don't let go of me."

.

.

 **~ ZERO ~  
** … _Some Other Day …  
_ **(Bella)**

_**He breaks the kiss and lowers my upper body until his arm that's holding me comes to rest on his thigh... until there's a comfortable distance between our faces for the eyes to focus. We're both panting. I'm having a little trouble keeping my lids open, but he holds my gaze as he slides his fingers under the waistband of my panties.** _

_**I know, he wants to be gentle with me. Misjudging the nature of my physical condition, he's hesitating, watching out for subtle signs. But I have no time for gentle, no patience for subtle. This is one of those days. This is an emergency. I grab his wrist and shove his hand down my panties, almost violently.** _

_**Yes!** _

_**Fuck!** _

_**I'm totally dry down there. It's the drugs; those fucking pain meds do that. They do all kinds of shit actually, like making me dizzy and weak, slowing me down. Even there. Fuck!** _

_**His brows knit together. Doubt. Confusion. Ah, don't do that... don't... don't stop. He's still holding my gaze, appraisingly. Yes, read me, read my needs!** _

_**And he does. He pulls his hand out and just when I want to protest, he brings it to his mouth and spits on it. Good boy.** _

_**Then his fingers are back there, wet, slick, moving, YES!** _

_**I arch my back, bucking my hips and pressing into his palm. I let go of him, and my arms fall down limply to either side of me. I let him know that I trust him. Completely. I give him full control; I give him power over me. He angles his upper arm to keep my head from lolling back too far. It's so fucking hot to be held like this, with our eyes locked, while his fingers start working me.** _

_**And they are working me well, rubbing my sweet spot, taking on a frantic pace immediately. No teasing. No lazy circles around my clit, no slow strokes along my opening. He finally understands I don't want slow. I just want to cum. Quick. Hard.** _

" _ **Gonna make you cum, ok?" he pants, "Gonna make it quick... and hard."**_

_**Good boy!** _

.

.

**~ ONE ~  
** _Usage  
_ **(Edward)**

I didn't let go of Bella for one moment on our way from the bus stop to my place; we were walking with my arm firmly around her shoulder and her hand still clutching at the front of my shirt. She was staggering a little, and when we were halfway there she stumbled over her own feet and almost fell. I scooped her up in my arms and carried her the rest of the way, shooting daggers at the few people that passed us by and dared to give us weird looks. Bella slung her arms around my neck and started crying again.

"I hate feeling so weak, but I'm just so damn tired," she whispered, almost apologetically. "Not only because I didn't sleep last night. On days like this, I'm tired in every way possible, inside and out, and it's dragging me down so hard..."

"I know," I said. I kinda did.

"I'm so tired of hurting all the time. And I'm even more tired of concealing it all the time."

I hugged her closer to my chest. She didn't need to conceal anything with me. I would care for her, if she'd let me. "Hang in there, we're almost home." Home? It felt weird to say that. I should have said  _'almost there'_ instead, no?

"And I'm so tired of dealing with that shit all on my own."

"You don't need –"

"I'm tired of being alone, Edward."

"I know."  _Oh God, I know..._

When my apartment building came into view, it started raining.

.

.

**~ ZERO ~  
** _Release  
_ **(Bella)**

_**I'm almost there. The pain is a dull memory somewhere in the back of my mind, instead of feeling like it's burning me alive. Every nerve pathway seems to be leading to the center of my pleasure now, to where he is pumping his fingers in and out of me.** _

_**Almost there.** _

.

.

**~ ZERO ~  
** _Release  
_ **(Edward)**

I can't look away. With her impending orgasm, her face is a sight to behold; my mind is taking snapshots every second and tucks them away for later. I'm feeling proud and powerful, knowing I'm doing this to her...  _for_  her. Because, this is solely about her. And as much as I'm turned on myself, my dick doesn't exceed the state of a semi-boner; this is how much I'm focusing on her and only her release. And yet I feel like cumming in my pants when her legs start to quiver.

Almost there.

.

.

**~ ZERO ~  
** _Love  
_ **(Bella)**

_**I'm hanging on the edge, shaking, moaning, whimpering. More, please, faster, more! Oh God please! I don't think I can cum like this, what with him still watching me so intently. But I can't avert my gaze from his either. The adoration is back in his eyes, rapture too, and knowing that he feels the power only adds to my aching need. More. Harder.** _

" _ **Bella...," he gasps.**_

_**I want to close my eyes, but I can't. I don't think I can cum like this, but I cannot look away. He watches me, and I watch him back. The lust, the love. Yes, the love. I can see it in his eyes, and it pushes me another torturous step closer to where I need to be...** _

_**He loves me.** _

.

.

**~ ZERO ~  
** _Love  
_ **(Edward)**

She is writhing in my arms, the muscles in her back and legs tense, straining towards her climax. Under half-closed lids, her eyes are pleading.

Oh God, woman, come for me! Let go and come for me...

"Let go, Bella."  _I love you._

My arm starts trembling with the effort of holding her squirming body. It will probably be pretty sore later, but I don't care.

"Let go."  _I love you._

Her mouth falls open as if to cry out, but no sound emerges. This is too much – fervently, I pull her close to me, burying her face in the crook of my neck.

"I love you, Bella."

.

.

**~ ZERO ~  
** _Peace  
_ **(Bella)**

_**Mercy. Finally, he has mercy on me. I'm allowed to close my eyes and come apart in his arms. Finally, his words tip me over the edge and I fall.** _

_**Light.** _

_**The absence of pain. The absence of gravity.** _

_**And then... the absence of light.** _

_**Darkness.** _

_**Peace.** _

.

.

**~ ZERO ~  
** _Peace  
_ **(Edward)**

She falls asleep almost right after she has come all over my hand... a few more pants, one last tremor shaking her like a body-quake, one last sigh, and she's gone.

I cradle her in my arm, which is now screaming at me, but I keep rocking her gently for a few minutes longer before I slowly lower her down to the carpet. I extract my hand from her now soaking wet panties; it is slick and glistening with her release, coated with her essence.

I only hesitate for a second, quickly glancing at her face to make sure she's actually sound asleep. Then I lick my fingers, one by one, and I don't stop until there's nothing left, tasting Bella to the very last drop. I can hardly keep myself from dipping my fingers into her wetness once again to collect more of her sweet juices.

It's only then I realize I said the words to her. Into the cry she gave, I told her that I love her. Did she even hear me? Not that it matters much... I think she knows anyway.

It feels good to have those words out.

With her taste still lingering on my tongue, I press my lips against her forehead.

"Rest, beautiful."  _I love you._

.

.

**~ ZERO ~  
** _...  
_ **(Bella)**

_**The rain is still drumming against the windows. I bet they're steamy again.** _

_**The last thing I am aware of before I drift off into nothingness, is his mouth on my skin. I can smell myself on him, as well as his own musky scent.** _

_**His voice... "Rest, beautiful."** _

_**Yes.** _

_**My pain killer.** _

_**My lover.** _

_**  
** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See? I didn't write 'The End'.  
> Yes, I might add some tidbits every now and then, more like a loose collection of events rather than continuing chapters. I can't promise it will always make sense, but it will always be lemonicious. ;-)
> 
> The first four titles of Bella's POVs together make the lyrics of this famous nursery rhyme.  
> 'Rain, rain, go away, come again some other day'.  
> But you noticed that anyway, right?


End file.
